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What's Stopping You? Getting Rid of the Barriers
Goals · Mindset · Confidence · Personal Growth
What Is Really Stopping You From Achieving Your Goals?
You may not be lazy, incapable or lacking ambition. Sometimes the thing standing between you and the life you want is something far more understandable — and far more possible to change.
A Note From the Elite VIP Circle Editorial Team
At Elite VIP Circle, we don't believe there is always one book, one idea or one expert with every answer.
When we research an area of personal growth, we often find that different authors are describing the same underlying struggle from different angles. One may help you understand the beliefs shaping your behaviour. Another may help you understand fear. Another may give you practical tools for taking action when confidence hasn't arrived yet.
That is why we occasionally recommend a small collection of two or three books rather than presenting one book as the complete answer. Read together, the right books can become a collaboration of ideas — helping you see the same problem differently and gradually move your mindset into a stronger place for real, lasting change.
This article is designed to help you reflect, identify what may be keeping you stuck and choose a practical next step. It is not a judgement on where you are today.
There are people walking around right now with dreams they have carried for years.
A business they wanted to start.
A healthier life they promised themselves they would create.
A career change they keep thinking about.
A qualification they would love to achieve.
A new chapter they know, somewhere deep down, they are capable of beginning.
And yet nothing changes.
After a while, it becomes tempting to come to a painful conclusion:
“Maybe I'm just not disciplined enough.”
“Maybe I'm lazy.”
“Maybe successful people simply have something I don't.”
But that explanation is often far too simple.
Sometimes people don't move forward because they lack ambition.
Sometimes they don't move forward because they are frightened.
Sometimes the goal feels so large that they don't know where to begin.
Sometimes they have spent years repeating the same internal story about who they are and what they are capable of.
And sometimes they are waiting for confidence before taking action — without realising that confidence often comes after we begin, not before.
The good news is this:
You don't have to fix your entire life today.
You simply need to become more honest about what is really stopping you — because once you can see the obstacle clearly, you have a much better chance of finding a way around it.
1. You Are Afraid of Failing
Fear has stopped more dreams than a lack of talent ever will.
You may not even describe yourself as frightened. Instead, fear can disguise itself as procrastination, overthinking, perfectionism or endlessly waiting for the “right time”.
You might think:
- What if I try and fail?
- What will people think?
- What if I've wasted my money?
- What if I discover I'm not good enough?
- What if everyone else can do this better than me?
The problem is that avoiding the goal can feel safer in the short term.
If you don't apply, you can't be rejected.
If you don't launch the business, nobody can criticise it.
If you don't try, you never have to discover whether you might fail.
But there is a cost to that safety.
A different question to ask yourself:
“What might I learn if I allowed myself to make a small attempt?”
Your first attempt does not have to define you.
It can simply be information.
An experiment.
A first step that teaches you something you didn't know before.
2. Your Goal Has Become Too Big in Your Mind
Some goals are so large that they become emotionally exhausting before we have even started.
“Start a business.”
“Change my career.”
“Get healthy.”
“Sort my finances out.”
The problem with goals like these is that they don't tell you what to do on Tuesday morning.
Your brain sees the entire mountain at once.
And sometimes the mountain feels impossible.
Try changing the question.
Instead of asking, “How am I going to achieve this?” ask, “What is the next small thing I can physically do?”
Perhaps the next step is:
- Researching one business idea for 20 minutes.
- Going for one walk.
- Opening the document you have been avoiding.
- Making one phone call.
- Clearing one drawer.
- Learning one new skill.
You do not need to complete the whole journey today.
You only need to stop standing at the beginning of it.
3. You Have Started Believing Your Own Story About Yourself
This is where mindset becomes incredibly important.
Most of us have internal stories we repeat without even noticing.
Perhaps yours sound familiar:
- “I'm not a confident person.”
- “I'm terrible with money.”
- “I'm not good with technology.”
- “People like me don't start businesses.”
- “I'm too old to start again.”
- “I've never been disciplined.”
The danger is that eventually these statements stop sounding like opinions.
They start sounding like facts.
But a belief you have repeated for years is not automatically the truth.
Try replacing identity statements with learning statements.
Instead of “I'm not good with technology,” try:
“I haven't learned how to do this yet.”
That one word — yet — creates room for growth.
You don't have to pretend you already know how to do something.
You simply have to allow yourself to become someone who can learn.
4. You Are Waiting to Feel Confident Before You Begin
This is one of the biggest traps.
People often believe confidence must come first.
They think:
“Once I feel confident, I'll apply for the job.”
“Once I feel confident, I'll start the business.”
“Once I feel confident, I'll finally put myself out there.”
But confidence can be difficult to create without evidence.
And where does that evidence come from?
From doing something.
You take a small step.
You survive it.
You learn something.
You take another step.
And slowly, almost without noticing, your relationship with yourself begins to change.
Confidence is not always the ticket you need before entering the room. Sometimes it is what you build by walking through the door.
5. You Are Trying to Change Without Changing the System Around You
Motivation is wonderful when it arrives.
But motivation is not a reliable long-term business plan for your life.
There will be days when you are tired.
Days when life gets complicated.
Days when you don't feel inspired.
That is why systems matter.
A system asks:
- When will I do this?
- Where will I do it?
- What will make it easier?
- What will I do when I don't feel motivated?
- How will I know that I'm making progress?
Instead of relying on a burst of enthusiasm, you create something that can carry you through ordinary life.
A simple example:
Instead of saying:
“I need to work on my future more.”
Try:
“Every Tuesday and Thursday at 7pm, I will spend 30 minutes working on one task that moves my future forward.”
A Simple Goal Reset You Can Start Today
If you have been feeling stuck for a long time, don't try to reinvent yourself overnight.
Start here instead.
1. Choose one thing that genuinely matters to you.
2. Write down what has honestly been stopping you.
3. Make the next step small enough that you could do it even on a difficult day.
4. Decide exactly when you will do it.
5. Repeat before you judge yourself.
That last part matters.
We are often far too quick to turn one missed day into a story about who we are.
You miss a workout and decide you're not disciplined.
You delay a project and decide you're lazy.
You make a mistake and decide you're not capable.
But one difficult day is not your identity.
One mistake is not your future.
And being stuck today does not mean you will always be stuck.
Three Books We Recommend Reading Together
These three books approach personal change from different directions — but together they create a powerful conversation about belief, fear, confidence and action.
Mindset — Dr Carol S. Dweck
This is the book to begin with if you want to understand how your beliefs about ability and potential can influence the way you approach challenges.
If you have spent years believing that you are simply “not the kind of person” who succeeds at something, Mindset can help you question whether that story has become a limitation you no longer need to carry.
The Confidence Gap — Russ Harris
This book tackles one of the biggest misunderstandings about confidence: the belief that you have to feel ready before you take action.
For anyone who has been waiting to feel more certain, more capable or less afraid before moving forward, this book offers a different perspective — that meaningful action can happen alongside uncertainty.
Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway — Susan Jeffers
This classic book speaks directly to the experience so many people have when they know they want something different — but fear keeps appearing every time they consider taking the next step.
Its message is refreshingly human: you may not need to eliminate fear before you move forward. Sometimes the real work is learning how to stop allowing fear to make every important decision for you.
Why We Think These Three Books Work Well Together
Mindset helps you question the beliefs you have formed about yourself. The Confidence Gap helps you understand why waiting to feel confident can keep you stuck. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway brings the conversation back to one essential truth: fear may still be present when you decide to move forward.
Together, they offer three different perspectives on the same journey — changing how you think, changing how you relate to fear and changing what you are willing to do next.
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Get Your Free VIP Performance Playbook →It Is Not Too Late
If you have been stuck for months — or even years — please don't use that fact as evidence against yourself.
The fact that something hasn't happened yet does not automatically mean it never will.
Perhaps you needed more information.
Perhaps you needed time.
Perhaps you needed to understand what was really happening beneath the surface.
Or perhaps you simply needed to stop demanding that you become fearless before allowing yourself to begin.
You don't need to know exactly how your whole future will unfold.
You just need to become willing to take one honest step towards it.
Your life can change in ways that are difficult to imagine from the place where you are standing today.
Not because everything will suddenly become easy.
But because the moment you begin to see yourself differently, you may start making different decisions.
And different decisions, repeated over time, can take you somewhere completely new.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I keep setting goals but never achieving them?
The problem is not always a lack of motivation. Goals can fail because they are too vague, too overwhelming, emotionally difficult to begin or unsupported by a practical system. Identifying the real barrier is often more useful than blaming yourself.
How do I stop being afraid of failure?
Rather than waiting for fear to disappear completely, try making the next step smaller. Treat early attempts as opportunities to learn rather than tests of your worth. Small action can gradually build experience and confidence.
Do I need confidence before I start?
Not necessarily. Confidence often develops through experience. Taking small, manageable actions can help you build evidence that you are capable of learning and moving forward.
What is the best first step when I feel completely overwhelmed?
Make the goal smaller. Ask yourself what physical action you could complete in the next 10 or 15 minutes. The aim is not to solve your whole life today — it is to create movement.
Affiliate Disclosure: Some of the links in this article are affiliate links. This means Elite VIP Circle may earn a small commission if you choose to make a purchase through one of these links, at no additional cost to you. We only recommend books and resources that we believe are genuinely relevant to the subject being discussed.
Sunday, May 6, 2018
The Power & Presence of Forgiveness: Letting Go
Mindset · Self-Worth · Emotional Freedom · 2026
Forgiveness Is Not for Them. It's for You. Here's How to Actually Do It.
One of the heaviest things a person can carry is an old hurt they have never been able to release. This is an honest, practical guide to forgiveness — including the kind that arrives without an apology.
There are few words in the English language that carry as much weight as forgiveness.
It is taught in churches and therapy rooms. It is the subject of countless books, studies, and conversations. Everyone agrees it is important. And yet for most people, in the specific, real, painful circumstances of their actual lives — the family member who hurt them, the betrayal that came from nowhere, the relationship that ended in damage on both sides — it remains one of the most genuinely difficult things to do.
Not because people don't want peace. But because forgiveness raises questions that no one has ever properly answered for them.
How do I forgive someone who has never apologised? Does forgiving mean I'm saying what they did was acceptable? What if I'm the one who also caused harm — where do I even begin? What if I've been trying to forgive for years and it still hasn't come?
This article is an attempt to answer those questions honestly — not with platitudes, but with the kind of clear, grounded thinking that actually helps.
“Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.” — Anne Lamott
The Weight You Are Carrying
Unforgiveness has a physical and psychological cost that is well-documented and consistently underestimated.
Research in psychoneuroimmunology — the study of how mental states affect physical health — has linked chronic unforgiveness to elevated cortisol levels, increased cardiovascular risk, compromised immune function, and significantly higher rates of anxiety and depression. Holding onto resentment is not a neutral act. It is an active process that consumes real energy, occupies real cognitive and emotional space, and shapes the lens through which you experience everything else in your life.
The person who hurt you may have moved on entirely. They may not think about what happened at all. Meanwhile, you carry it — in your body, in your relationships, in the way you approach trust, vulnerability, and connection. The weight does not diminish with time unless you actively put it down. And the longer it is carried, the heavier it becomes.
This is not said to create pressure. It is said because understanding the true cost of not forgiving is often the first thing that creates the genuine desire to.
What Forgiveness Is — And What It Is Not
Before going any further, this needs to be stated clearly because the misunderstanding is widespread and it stops people from even trying.
Forgiveness is not:
- Saying that what happened was acceptable
- Reconciling with or returning to a relationship that was harmful
- Pretending the hurt did not occur or did not matter
- Requiring the other person to apologise first
- A single moment of decision that resolves everything instantly
- Weakness, capitulation, or giving someone permission to hurt you again
Forgiveness is:
- A choice you make for your own peace, not for theirs
- The act of releasing the emotional charge attached to what happened so it no longer controls your present
- A process, not a moment — something that may need to be chosen repeatedly
- An internal shift that can happen entirely within you, with no contact or conversation required
- One of the most courageous and self-respecting things a person can do
The person who wronged you does not need to be present for you to forgive them. They do not need to deserve it. They do not need to know it has happened. Forgiveness is an inside job — and that is precisely what makes it available to you regardless of what they choose to do.
“Waiting for someone else to apologise before you allow yourself peace is giving them a power they have done nothing to deserve.”
The Questions Worth Sitting With
Forgiveness rarely arrives through force or willpower. It tends to come through honest self-examination — a willingness to look at what is actually happening beneath the surface of the hurt.
If there is someone in your life you have not been able to forgive, consider sitting quietly with these questions. Not to answer them perfectly, but to get curious about what is real for you.
What is standing in the way of forgiving this person?
Name it specifically. Pride, fear of being seen as weak, a belief that they don't deserve it, the hope that withholding forgiveness somehow punishes them. Whatever it is, make it conscious.
Who would I have to become to forgive them?
This is a profound question. Sometimes the resistance to forgiving is less about the other person and more about the identity we have built around being wronged. Letting go of the hurt can feel like losing part of ourselves.
Am I waiting for something that may never come?
An apology, an acknowledgement, a sign that they understand what they did. Is it realistic to expect this? And if it never comes, is your peace really worth less than their admission?
What is this resentment actually costing me?
In energy, in mental space, in your relationships, in your ability to be present. Be honest about the full price you are paying to hold onto this.
Is there anything in my own behaviour that I also need to examine?
In almost every relational wound, both people carry some part of what happened. This is not about self-blame — it is about honest accountability that frees you from the victim identity and returns your sense of agency.
How to Forgive Without an Apology
This is where most people get stuck — and understandably so. It feels fundamentally unjust to do the emotional work of forgiving someone who has not acknowledged what they did. It can feel like surrender. Like letting them win.
But consider what waiting for their apology actually involves: placing your emotional freedom in the hands of someone who has already demonstrated they are not always trustworthy with your wellbeing. Your peace, your lightness, your ability to move forward — all of it held hostage to a conversation that may never happen.
That is not justice. That is self-imprisonment.
Forgiving without an apology is not about them. It is about reclaiming your own power. It is the decision that your future will not be shaped by what they did or did not do in the past. Here is how to begin:
Write the letter you will never send. Put everything in it. The anger, the grief, the specific things they did, exactly how it affected you. Do not moderate it or make it fair — just let it be honest. Then read it back to yourself. Then put it away, or burn it. The act of fully articulating the hurt, rather than suppressing it, is often the beginning of its release.
Separate the person from their behaviour. This does not mean excusing what they did. It means recognising that people who cause harm are often themselves carrying damage they have never addressed. This is not sympathy — it is perspective. And perspective is what makes genuine forgiveness possible where pure willpower cannot.
Make the choice, and expect to make it again. Forgiveness is rarely a single decision that holds permanently. It is more often a choice that has to be renewed — sometimes daily — particularly in the early stages. When the anger rises again, you choose again. Each time you do, the hold loosens a little more.
Distinguish forgiveness from trust. You can forgive someone completely and still choose not to return them to a position of trust in your life. These are separate decisions. Forgiveness is internal. Trust is relational — and it is earned, not owed.
The Forgiveness Nobody Talks About: Forgiving Yourself
For many people, the hardest forgiveness of all is not directed outward. It is directed inward.
The decisions you look back on with shame. The person you hurt, intentionally or not. The version of yourself who did not yet know better, or who knew but chose wrong anyway. The years you spent in patterns you wish you could undo. The apology you gave that was not accepted, or the one you never found the words for.
Self-forgiveness is not self-excuse. It is not pretending the harm did not happen or that it did not matter. It is the recognition that you were a human being operating with the consciousness, the tools, and the wounds you had at that point in time. That you have grown since then. And that you cannot build a better future from a foundation of permanent self-condemnation.
The inner critic that replays your past failures and holds them against you is not keeping you accountable. It is keeping you small. And silencing it — or at least learning not to let it run unchecked — is every bit as important as forgiving anyone else.
“You have more power than you think. When you change, everything changes.”
Offering an Apology That May Not Be Reciprocated
Sometimes the situation is not simply one of being wronged. Sometimes we know we also caused harm — and the question of how to offer a genuine apology in a relationship where the hurt runs in both directions, and where the other person may not be ready or willing to meet us halfway, is one of the most emotionally complex things a person can navigate.
The fear of appearing to “give in” or being vulnerable without any guarantee of how it will be received is real and valid. And yet, the alternative — staying in the stalemate, waiting for the other person to move first — tends to calcify resentment on both sides and make genuine repair less and less likely over time.
A genuine apology, offered without conditions and without expectation of reciprocation, is one of the most powerful acts available in a damaged relationship. Not because it guarantees a particular response. But because it changes the dynamic entirely. It introduces something new — honesty, humility, a genuine desire for repair — into a space that has only held hurt and distance.
Moving first is not weakness. It is an act of remarkable courage. And regardless of how it is received, you will carry yourself differently for having done it.
When You Are Ready to Go Deeper
Forgiveness — of others and of yourself — is not something most people can arrive at through willpower and good intentions alone. It sits at the intersection of mindset, emotional intelligence, self-worth, and the deeply personal beliefs we hold about what we deserve, what others owe us, and whether change is genuinely possible.
If the patterns of resentment, self-criticism, or emotional avoidance described in this article are familiar — if they have been present not just in one relationship but across many areas of your life — addressing them at the root level is where the most meaningful change happens.
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It is self-paced, deeply practical, and designed as one of the most accessible entry points into serious personal development available. Whether you are working through a specific hurt or addressing patterns that have followed you across years and relationships — this is where the real work begins.
You do not have to keep carrying this. The tools to put it down exist — and they are closer and more accessible than you may believe right now.
The Freedom on the Other Side
Forgiveness is not the end of a story. It is the beginning of a different one — one in which the past no longer dictates the present, where the person who hurt you no longer occupies prime real estate in your thoughts and your energy, and where you move through your life with a lightness that chronic resentment makes impossible.
It does not always arrive dramatically. For most people, it comes gradually — a slow loosening of something that has been gripped for a long time, a morning where the familiar ache is a little less acute, a moment where you realise you went several hours without thinking about it at all.
And then, one day, you notice that you have been carrying something that has become so familiar it felt like part of you — and that you have, quietly and without fanfare, put it down.
That is forgiveness. And it was always for you.
You Deserve to Put This Down
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Elite VIP Circle · Mindset. Self-Worth. Freedom. · 2026